13 Good Years... Goodbye 2009

Then God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night, and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years; 15 and let them be for lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth”; and it was so.

This past Sunday Tom D. filled in for Pastor Ben and shared with us from James 1. He focused on two passages in chap. 1, the first: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." The second: "Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." Tom later told my sister that he had spoke this message for Mom and I. 
Besides the Lord using O Holy Night, then comforting me through His Word in James 1, what I needed to hear the most is what Tom described as "One of his weird thoughts." He quoted the Scripture above from Genesis 1, then explained that he feels as though the Lord gave us time... days, seasons and years... "as signs", simply because He knew that our finite minds and hearts needed it. I needed to hear this because often times I had felt almost guiltily for wanting to kick a former year to the curb... as it were. After all, when you look at passages like those from James chap. 1, then look at a year like 2009, the seemingly obvious Christian response would be to say "No don't go 2009!! I need more trials to rejoice in!!" Yet we're not to rejoice in the trials... even Christ did not do so. Rather we are to consider it all joy.


Adam and I were both sort of at the end of our ropes earlier this week. Usually when one of us is at the bottom of the rope, the other one of us is at the other end trying to pull the "perishing" spouse back in... the Lord has worked it out like that for us in every aspect of our marriage (i.e. one sleep deprived spouse, gets much needed sleep, while the newly energized spouse stays up with the babies all night... one of us is feeling quite like James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life, and the other is Clarence the Angel, etc. etc.).  At one point this past wk, I remembered how when, even before Adam and I were married, we used to talk about how we "just knew" that we were going to have "hard lives, but rich lives" together.  My visions (literally visions) were of us purchasing this enormous abandon home in the N. Side of the Burgh and turning it into a youth home... or just a safe haven for the young people of the city.  Later we caught the vision of serving the Lord as missionaries in the Middle East... all very "romantic",and 'grand" in a way.  I never thought it would be Autism, long term house guests... or the loss of three babies in utero..., church splits, and watching my Dad, my hero, suffer tremendously and die from cancer... not so romantic... not so "huge".  Yet, here we are, at the end of thirteen years... the thirteenth being one year that was full of some real trials... the Lord gave... He gave us Teodata and Santino... He gave, and gave and gave... He also took away, and although what He gave, and continues to give us, will always outweigh what He takes away, it doesn't make the loss(es) any less painful. 


We consider it all joy... we have abundant, rich lives together, me and my Other Self. Our lives aren't so romantic, but Adam certainly is. We are taking the blessings with us to 2010 and the joy in and from our trials, but we're kicking the bad memories of 2009 to the curb... pressing onward to our higher calling in Christ Jesus... in a brand new season. 


Thank you Lord for thirteen good hard yrs with my Adam.  Happy Anniversary Habeeptee.  Happy New Year to all.

His Weary Soul Rejoices

I was going to try and lighten things up a bit and talk about how on December 23, 2009, I single handedly "killed" Santa Claus, his mutant rabbit friend, and the creepy fairy that collects our teeth... but I went to church yesterday and we sung my favorite Christmas hymn... suddenly I saw the importance of a more edifying post... simultaneously the Lord put in my heart what I've been trying to convey to others about my Dad... He did this through O Holy Night. 
I don't know when my father accepted the Bible as God's written Word to us... I don't know when the Holy Spirit showed him the truth, but I do know that it had to have been several years ago. He would actually "witness" to people in the bars, at work... proclaiming the Gospel, quoting Scripture, all the while telling people that he knew it was the truth, yet he also told them not to look at a his life because he shamefully wasn't following it... that little fact is a whole other post, but I'd like to focus on his favorite verse... the one that he would quote continually to others "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" 
Dad knew the importance of his eternal soul, and that there was only One Way to save it. I want to write about his suffering... the indescribable agony of that last 24 hours... how the hospice nurse couldn't get to him to increase his medications because of the ice storm... for 6 hours... but do you really want to hear the morbid details of that story? What I will share is how when Teresa (the hospice nurse) finally arrived, she came in humming the tune "In Christ Alone". We mused in front of her...we couldn't believe that "of all mornings for there to be an ice storm... why was it when Dad was agonizing so?" She looked me in the eye confidently and lovingly and said "We don't know why, but there is a perfect reason for it." I do believe this is when Dad was soberly realizing his salvation...
As I sang my favorite Christmas hymn yesterday, I thought of Dad in those last hours... about his soul...about him now... I changed the words in my heart and even though some of it slipped between Dad's meeting Jesus, and me celebrating His birth, you can see Dad's life, death, and eternal soul encapsulated in this song.  You can see, all of us in this song... Lost and Found. I praise God that I am found. I praise Him that Dad is found. I praise Him because He still seeks and saves the Lost.

 My version of O Holy Night, as sung in my heart yesterday morning:

O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining.

It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay my Dad in sin and error pining.

Till He appeared and Dad's soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope his weary soul rejoices,

For yonder broke a new and glorious morn.

He fell on his knees! Oh, hear the angel voices Dad!

O night divine, the night when you met Christ;

O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With a glowing heart by His throne he kneels.

O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,

Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.

The King of kings seated on His throne;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains did He break, for Dad is now my brother.

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

AMEN!!!!

PS The Christmas photo of my kids has absolutely nothing to do with this post... this type of blogging is all the rage in Europe at the moment...

"The Best Christmas Ever"

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Some of you will remember that when Dad found out that he was coming home from the hospital, he said "This is going to be the best Christmas ever."  When I told Adam this, he said that he got chills up and down his spine thinking, "He's going to see Jesus this Christmas." A couple of days after the funeral, some dear friends emailed to see how we were doing, and ended their note with this: "I couldn't help thinking of something you said your Dad said not long ago---This was going to be his best Christmas!!!! It sure is as he is spending it with Jesus!!!!!"

 

The photo I posted above has been etched in my mind over the past several days as Christmas swiftly and almost stealthily approaches. I've always loved this picture of Dad... I think in part because of the sense of wonderment in his eyes. The sight of Dad in awe of anything, let alone Santa Clause, never failed to bring a smile to the beholder who knew him. In fact Dad's friends blew this picture WAY UP for a surprise 40th birthday party they had for him...

Truth be told, I don't know that this is what Dad had in mind (Christmas in Heaven)... at least not in full.  He did say that he wanted to "just make it to Christmas". Perhaps he wanted his beloved family gathered around for Christmas Eve, the smell of the seven fishes permeating the house... Mob Hits (yes, for real) playing in the background... a time to smile again for a moment before he went on to see the Lord. I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that he most likely has that same look of wonderment in his eyes... intensified a million fold... 

As we meander about our traditional Christmas Eve gathering, feeling like children, acting like children who lost their Dad, I will try and keep in mind that our Christmas celebrations, with or without Dad, have been, and will continue to be, and at their best, mere reflections of  what Dad is experiencing in the FULL presence of His Glory.  We miss him, but I know he doesn't miss us... and this gives me joy. Dad sees clearly... every day is Christmas for Dad now.  That "Good news of great joy" we celebrate this time of year? Dad is there with the angels saying "“Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased." Dad knows fully. He is in the presence of the living God for Christimas... try wrapping your head around that one.... especially with my pea brain and in the wee hours of the morning... I can't. I won't. Not until I'm with Dad. In God's presence. Merry Christmas!!!

 In his presence is fullness of joy

Some Words

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children

Here are a few words posted on Dad's online obituary guest book.

With my deepest condolences, I met Jr. on January 3, 1963. Jr. was 18 years old I was 17 years old. Jr. and I entered the U.S. Army at the same time and went through boot camp together. Jr. and I became the good friends for the rest of our lives. Jr. was a great person and a joy to be around, he also was number one in our companies P T test; I was number 2 ... We continued our friendship after the service both working for the city of Pittsburgh. I will miss not seeing and talking to Jr. as I have for many years. He will always be in my prayers. I know he will be missed my all....

jun-miss you -always were my best cousin more like a brother -your mom and grandma and aunt angie will be happy to see you again-sorry you didnt get a chance to woop me on your new pool table keep praticing ill be there with you again some day --Love you--Mikie

 

I went to SHHS with Jimmy. We were on the baseball team, too. I was a Captain on the Pittsburgh Fire department, where we would tell lies to each other when we needed something done at the Engine House. He was always upbeat. I will miss him.

...He always took the time to say hello and have a conversation whenever we saw him. If you ever needed a hand, Jim would go out of his way to help, no matter what he was doing...

Pooch...work has been boring since you left and now life will be more boring now you're gone. What a riot you were and what a huge heart you had. We always knew you were in the building and now you left the building for good. Thanks for all the laughs and love brother and Gods speed...

...he always made me laugh. May your many memories of Jim always make you smile. I know I always will when I think of him...

...he never failed to make us laugh about something almost everyday

...He was so socialable and loving. I remember his one tomato plant last summer and his yellow pumpkin growing over the hill he found. He always made us laugh! Daisy is still at your house everyday looking for her buddy...

He was definitely quite the character and always found a way to make people laugh. He always spoke of his "bride" with such respect and I know he truly loved his grandchildren. He will be missed by all of us.

He always had a smile on his face and a story or joke to tell. He always spoke of his family and his love was very apparent. Jim will continue to live in your hearts and thru the many memories I am sure you have

Jim was the first neighbor I met when I moved to *****, and like another neighbor said, "He's the first one everyone met." He always yelled a funny story from across the street while he was working (always in motion), and gave me an update on his beloved grandchildren. He had a big heart and a generous spirit. He will be missed by so many...

...a man of such character, through love or acquaintance, is not only remembered but also held in the highest regard... This is his legacy. This was his life. R.I.P. Jim

This is part of a eulogy I wrote, but decided not to read at his service:

So as I thought about it, I realized that my Dad had to have given his life to the Lord. “You will know them by their fruit.” What are the fruits of the Spirit? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, all of which Dad exhibited, more and more and more each day. Ever more as time passed. His speech was rough at times, his struggles, his sins, were laid bare in front of us… an open book Dad was. A fascinating, comedic, mysterious, thrilling, even romantic at times, open book, that we just couldn’t stop reading… and just like any good book, when we reach the end, we are saddened. We wish that the Author would have given us more to read… we hope that the Author has written a sequel. Well, the Good News is, the Author has written a sequel to Dad’s life, and I can’t wait to read it. Alas, I will have to wait, until the Divine Author is finished writing my story here on earth. When that time comes, I am certain I will be thanking the Lord for his taking me home, the same as my father did, just hours before he died. Until then, Daddy, we’ll be telling your story, and your memory will live on, I believe it will live until the day we all meet in Glory. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for giving us the privilege of having Crazy Jr. for a Father.

He Lost The Battle But He Won The War

in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting? The sting of death is sin; and the power of sin is the law: but thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ

Today December 13, 2009 at 4:47 p.m. my father, James Thomas Pucci Jr. lost his battle with cancer. It was an ugly, hideous battle... one in which virtually everyone privy to Dad's condition, stood in awe of this man's strength and will to fight and live. It was the most courageous battle I've ever witnessed. It was the most courageous and hideous battle with death I could have ever imagined... save for one. 

As I watched my father fighting, struggling, suffering.... drugged with enough medicines to kill two war horses, yet still responsive, I begged... for what seemed like an eternity, I begged the Lord to take his suffering.  I pleaded with my Dad to let go of this life and go home... but as Adam pointed out, Dad has fought for everything... his entire life, he didn't know how to not fight... I began getting upset... no, I was getting down-right angry at God for letting him fight.. this struggle and suffering is what Dad had feared the most.  Mom and Mary then told me that at one point Dad had specifically told them not to get mad at God... This helped. Tremendously. My mind quickly went to the One, the One who suffered and died... truly, the most courageous and hideous battle with death... with sin. My sin. My Dad's sin... that was ever fought. For me. For my Dad. Because of me. Because of my Dad... willingly.  He knows my Dad's suffering... and immeasurable amounts more.  He still weeps with us... for us.  For Dad.

Sin is death.  The parallels between my Dad's cancer and sin, seem to me, to be unending... My sister and I both had visions of Jesus holding my father today.  Mine differed from my sisters in that I envisioned Jesus behind my father holding him almost exactly like the picture I posted on "FAITH" a while back. My Dad had been sitting up in bed for an entire month... today he slumped like that man in the picture, but he kept lifting his head to take one more painful breath... I saw the Lord pulling Dad... pulling him from the chains around his ankles that were keeping Dad attached to this world.  I saw the Lord weeping as He tugged... "Dad. Jesus said, 'Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.' Go to him Dad! Go home to Him." Mom and Mary agreed and encouraged Dad as they begged the Lord to make it happen. It was about an hour or so later, when finally alone with Mom, Dad experienced defeat in the battle, and in the same moment, the victory of the war that had been won for Him some 2000 yrs before he was ever born.  

To those of you who knew my Dad, I believe you would tell me that your life has been made richer by him. To those of you who did not, I pray that you will have that opportunity in Glory. 

I'm so fried. Sorry if this is incoherent, winded, and or sappy (all of the above???)  I will post funeral arrangements ASAP. Again, thank you.

Going Home

 And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own... Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Today Dad let us know that he was ready to come home. He spent last night in the ICU on a bi-pap machine, with a psycho (truly!) nurse. Two days ago his wee little upper arm bone broke due to the minimal amount of pressure applied to it as he tried to adjust himself in bed. The cancer is unbelievably aggressive.  The doctors were still (as late as yesterday morning) discussing his having chemo...???  His broken arm in a sling... nothing stabilizing it as they shift him from place to place... I don't know if he was trying to fight this cancer for us, or for himself, but today he made it clear that he wants to come home. Home he shall come.

Hospice will have him set up no later than tomorrow, but we're praying that they'll get him out of there this evening as we do not want him to spend another evening in that ICU... or worse, risk something happening that would give them reason to not release him. 

Dad is excited to be home for Christmas, saying that it's going to be "The best Christmas ever." What's most important, and an answer to all of our prayers, is that Dad is most at peace, and ready to "go home to be with Jesus."  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!! My limited vocabulary, and general ineptitude in thanking people properly leaves me only to say a mere thank you for all of your prayers, love, and support... from all of us.  

Star Trek ???

"Random chance seems to have operated in our favor" -- Spock
"In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky" -- McCoy
"I believe I said that, Doctor" -- Spock (The Doomsday Machine)

I've said it in the past, and now that I think about it, saying that we've been on a roller coaster since my father's cancer diagnoses, is shamefully inappropriate. I love roller coasters. When the train takes me down the track, and I'm headed for "the valley", it's a thrill... In fact, I love roller coasters so much that early in our marriage (before we had children, and consequently had time and $) if I were feeling blue, Adam used to suggest my going to Kennywood (our local amusement park) to "ride a few roller coasters"... always did the trick for me. Several years, and several pregnancies later, the only "trick" accomplished by my riding a roller coaster is seeing if I can make it off of the ride without my needing to go to the E.R. ... I digress.
 
Star Trek? Yeah, it's more like Star Trek. Do I L-O-V-E Star Trek? Au contraire (sorry Trekkies)! It's quotes like the one above that just drive me nuts... I always felt like I couldn't wait for the show to be over so I could grab a hold of reality. You think that's Dr. Spock you're confiding in? Take a good look! It's his evil Vulcan twin!!! Ugh!
 
This is how I feel it's been... illusive almost... I can't find the words with my limited vocabulary, but nothing is certain. Nothing remains the same for even an hour.  Dad came home Thurs evening (just one day shy of 3 wks) and Jimmy had him back in the E.R. very early this morning.  He's resting comfortably now after being admitted to the hospital again.
 
What I'm learning is, that not knowing from hour to hour, even minute to minute, is already how I truly live day to day... I often deceive myself thinking that I know what will happen today, based on my plans... how unwise. There's no "random chance". There's no such thing as luck.  It's all planned... pre-ordained. I just need to hang on to the Lord's hand and walk with Him.
 

"The mind of a man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sam Turned *9* N-I-N-E * 9* !!!

Yesterday our little man Sam turned 9 yrs old... It's bittersweet watching him grow so fast... such a "Man" in so many ways... wise beyond his yrs... so thoughtfull... so much like Adam. Below are some quotes from Sam concerning his birthday. Following those are some pics from the day and eve... actually broke out my camera. =)_

1. (the day before his birthday) "I feel birthday-ish.... I feel a little bit of birthday comin' on." 
2. (after seeing the disaster of a cake I made and my commenting on how "sad" it looked) "It's not sad. It's happy because it's so beautiful... besides, it'll taste yummy. Don't worry mommy, all your work didn't got  to waste."
3. (After hearing that Pappy and Grandma wouldn't be able to come for his "party") "Well, make sure you send them some cake... and some party hats too."
4. (after receiving his gifts from Adam and I) "Oh thank you!! Thank you!! ... I hope this didn't make you go broke... did it?"  =)

OK, let me preface this cake by saying that, #1 this was Sam's request, "A cake that has steps that go up and up and up, and the icing is all the colors of the rainbow."... I had to try and make this cake! #2 It does look sad. #3 If ever I'm in attendance at any social function, and someone offers me a piece of cake that looks like anything like the one pictured below (you know, like someone "handled it" WAY too much?), I will most definitely, and most adamantly, decline. =)

Sunny With a Few Scattered Showers

The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.
 

My last post about Dad sort of says it all concerning the state of things the last time I wrote...grim. They had removed the tubes from Dad in order to see if the fluid would stabilize somehow. If I have learned anything "non-eternal" over the past few wks, it's that the doctors are sometimes more confused than the patients and their families. So when I used the word "somehow" above, that pretty much sums up the "science" of the doctor's "plans". Indeed, by Weds (day before Thanksgiving) the doctors said that the fluid had slowed.  That evening my brother Jim, my sister-in-law Jill, and family came up from OH to see Dad. Jimmy stayed the night at the hospital giving Mom a much needed break. By the time Mom showed up at my house at 8:30 AM Thanksgiving Day, she was in tears.  Jim reported another painful and restless evening with Dad. The fluid had begun building up again.  Reluctantly my Mom followed Dad and Jim's "orders" to continue with the Thanksgiving dinner. Mom just wanted to be at the hospital... none of us wanted to stuff our faces while Dad was ... "There". 


It was as if the Lord turned on a "blessing faucet" just as the Turkey was served. In the first place, I was nervous about the turkey. Before Thursday, I had attempted roasting a turkey...once. I cut into it and it was dust. Seriously, had a gentle breeze graced our table, it could have easily carried my turkey into the abyss. Right. So the turkey (with Mom's supervision and dressings), came out perfcetly... as did all of the side dishes Mary Had made, and it goes without saying that Adam's pies and cake were a taste of something heavenly in and of themselves. Mary did 99% of the dishes and Adam cleaned everything.  The babies were content. The boys were having a ball...


We packed up some food for Dad and Jim, and made our way to the hospital. Just before I left the house, however, Jim had called and asked if I would bring my shears to cut Dad's hair. I brought them with me wondering how on earth I was going to be able to cut Dad's hair when he hadn't been able to move out of bed for two wks... he hadn't been able to change positions for two wks... I could hardly believe my eyes when I entered Dad's room. He looked great! Besides the bloating from the fluid, his color was the best I've seen it in months... maybe even in years. I asked him if he wanted me to cut his hair and he contemplated the best way to do it... "I guess I could jut sit in that chair over there so we're out of the way?"  "You...you can sit in a chair?" "Sit in a chair?!?!? I could run up and down these halls if I didn't have this attached to me!", as he motioned to the oxygen tubes and tank.  He SpRunG out of bed and sat in the chair!!  He was a bit shaky, but there was new life in him... he felt GOOD! As I was cutting Dad's hair two of my uncles, my aunt, and two of my cousins came in.  Now Dad was on a roll and feeling GREAT! He was whipping out the jokes, arguing playfully with the "Breathing Treatment Guy", and it felt like old times again.  When I was through with the haircut, he shaved. Mom said that Dad slept sound that night... ALL night. Can't remember the last time that happened. 

Dad has been doing well since then, just a bit tired and fighting some pain. Still, he's able to talk... he's able to laugh and joke... He gets a lot of nasty ...stuff? (lack of a better and less gross term) caught in his lungs every day.  It usually takes him the better part of the day to "work it out".  Last night he was coughing and just having a hard time with what was caught inside of him. After he was done gagging and coughing, he looked up at "us kids" and said "George." He paused to get some air, "I name 'em... like hurricanes.  This one's George."  Yes, disgusting, but beautiful all at the same time.  Dad says and does some gross stuff when he's trying to be funny and he's feeling well.

The doctors come in tomorrow to talk about inserting a permanent tube.  Please pray that they do not need to do this.  This is "a last resort" when all else has failed.  These things cause infection, and they are permanent....with the idea that "permanent" isn't going to be that long.

I am so thankful to the Lord for the Sunny Days we've had. For His shining face. For lifting up His countenance upon us. I thank Him for His peace... But mostly I can't thank Him enough for giving all of this to Dad...

Sights of Thanksgiving...Phillips Style

What would I do without those D'Auria sisters??? Well, for one, I might have to actually use my own camera.  Maryann is an amateur photographer, with an incredible and professional eye for great shots.  She took these on Thanksgiving day... I took a couple of adorable pictures of Maryann and Santino (using Maryann's camera of course), but unfortunately she and I love pictures of ourselves the same... not at all. I promised I wouldn't post any of those... so today, just some pics of the kiddos.

Sam and Pie Man

A very serious Johnny

A very sleepy Santino and Teodata

Nephew Joey Reading to Santino. How precious is that?

*Silly*

Fever Dreams

But a shout of joy comes in the morning

I live in the house I grew up in... yes, one could argue that there's been some difficulty cutting the cord, but that's another post... We live on "That Back Street" that runs parallel to one of the busiest roads in our city. When I hear the screeching of tires desperately trying to stop, I tend to cringe until the sound ends... hopefully without a crash. Most of the time you'll hear the screech, and no "Bang!". There were however, a few times where I've been unfortunate enough to have heard the bang at the end of the screech...

Tonight I heard an ambulance (another familiar sound here in Pucciland) which reminded me of the time I heard the most horrible screeching of tires...sounded like several cars... then the most sickening crash, thud, BANG!... next the sirens. I usually begin praying while I hear the screeching and my prayers adjust accordingly.  This day I was praying for ALL of those involved in the crash. I can't describe the feeling I had when not five minutes after the crash, our phone rang.  It was the local police, an officer who knew me and my family:  "Your father has been in a terrible car accident."  As it turned out, dad was completely unharmed in this accident...  He had lots of fun recounting the story. How he "saw the guy coming" in his rear-view mirror, and how he knew that he should let his foot off of the brake.  How when the man rear-ended him, traveling at an estimated speed of 65 mph, "He looked like Starsky and Hutch" as he hit Dad and became airborne and crashed right into the Burger King sign.  

Miraculously, no one was hurt that day. What I thought about this evening was how I felt in that moment when I realized that I had been praying for my Father in that accident.  I thought that there was no possible way anyone could have survived what I had heard. It was "fatal sounding".  Had we lost my Father that day... suddenly in a car accident, would I feel like I do now? 

Everyone in our family has stated, and on separate occasions, that this feels like a bad dream.  All of the ups and downs. It's been so that some days (most days) it's literally, every hour, that Dad's status changes from hopeful, to hopeless. It's only been the last few days that the doctors have made it clear that "hopeful" at this point, really isn't saying much... but that's "their hope", isn't it? 

I've decided that this is more like fever dreams instead of just one bad dream.  When you wake up perspiring and panicked... looking around for anything familiar among your surroundings to reassure you that you've woken up... slight disoriented relief.... then you fall quickly back into another nigtmare... This is it. This is what I feel we're living in... poor Dad is living this... and in so much pain. 

I'm praying for healing... even if it's just healing from the wounds left from those chains he was talking about the other night.  Something just isn't settled with Dad. 

As I mused over this tonight, I thought about "The Fever Dream" we're all experiencing, and the Lord brought to my heart, "Weeping may last for a night But a shout of joy comes in the morning." I don't know about you, but when I have fever dreams, the night is so long... it's almost as if I can see the spaces between the minute lines expanding before my eyes... but equally as overwhelming, is the joy when I see the familiar glow of the sun in the morning sky...

Our Son, will light up the morning sky... I don't know when, but I know He will.

Thank you again for your prayers... and Love.

Faith

"Now Faith is the reality of things hoped for, the proof of what is not seen." 

I hope that the fluid will stop draining from the two 3/4 in. tubes coming from Dad's chest and leading out of his side. I hope that when they take these tubes out, they will x-ray his lungs again and see that, not only did the surgery they did yesterday, work, but there's evidence of healing.  That the cancer eating away at his heart... and just about everywhere they looked yesterday, will miraculously have shrunk.  I hope that when they come to my family and proclaim "We don't understand... he's healing...", I can tell them that last night, as my sister sat by my Father's side, watching him labor in pain to take each breath, she prayed for a sign that the Lord was with dad. I hope that I can tell them that immediately following that prayer, my Father said out loud "Please take these chains."...several times. My hope is that when my sister told Dad "He will", that is the moment the Lord decided to show Dad his love by beginning to heal him... taking both his spiritual, and physical chains of bondage, and setting him free.

I hope that my daily scripture readings have been direct word's from God as to what He is going to do with my father.  That when just today I read in Psalm 118 "the LORD answered me [and put me] in a spacious place. The LORD is for me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ...It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.... I will not die, but I will live and proclaim what the LORD has done. The LORD disciplined me severely but did not give me over to death. Open the gates of righteousness for me; I will enter through them and give thanks to the LORD... I will give thanks to You because You have answered me and have become my salvation ...This came from the LORD; it is wonderful in our eyes ."

I hope that I will be able to tell the young intern who's been watching Dad like a hawk, caring for ALL of us, that "One of the reasons the Lord healed my dad was to show you that He is real, and He wants to heal you as well."  I hope that when the Lord heals my dad, He will continue to use this unbelievable man, but now for His glory... and that in this, Dad will know the love, the peace, the JOY, in THIS life, that only comes from Jesus.

Am I being too much of a child? Naive? Delusional? I hope not.