It's Over?

Monday marked one year since Dad left us. In a weird way it was ... anticlimactic? I don't know if that's the word to describe it... It's as if I expected some big "thing" to happen. A feeling of relief and accomplishement... or something... a "Whew! Glad that's over!!" kind of ...thing?  I can't put it into words (surprise surprise). Instead of feeling as though I've "gotten through" that first year, it feels as if the pain has worsened, and I'm facing this next year which is going to be much worse than the first. Perhaps it wasn't as bad as it is now because I was in a daze last year during the holidays. I was putting up the tree this week and wondering how I even did it last year. I can't remember putting up the tree last year... at all.  I had not lived, at that point, an entire year without the salt and color Dad brought to every holiday and birthday... and weekend... to our every day lives.

On Monday morning, I woke up at 5:30, on my own, no alarm. 5:30 a.m  was the time I awoke the morning Dad died. I thanked the Lord for waking me up then, as if to say "Time to remember Andrea. It's here."  

All throughout the night before, I remembered his last evening. I so very much cherish that time I had with Dad. I had the privilege of being with him for his last evening here on Earth. Just the two of us.We talked a lot. Thank you God!! I remember everything he said. He was cracking jokes as usual, and had some sobering words for me as well. He fell asleep after a few hours, and I prayed that the Lord would wake me every ten minutes so I could press the button for his boost of pain medication. God granted me my request. For four hours, He woke me, every ten minutes on the dot. I'm still so grateful to Him for that. At 5:30 Jimmy came in and that's pretty much when the wheels fell off, and those horrific last hours began.

After putting on a pot of coffee Monday morning, I looked outside to see the white snow covering everything. Immediately I thought of how last year Sam told me that God had allowed all of that snow to come, and keep coming, to make me know that Pappy's sins were washed as white as snow.  I struggled then, as I have struggled periodically throughout this past year, with resting in the knowledge that Dad is really in Heaven. When I saw the snow this past Monday, and recalled Sam's words, the Lord spoke to my heart in such a way that it was almost audible, "I've told you a hundred different ways that he's with Me. He's with Me." It was a soft word, not one of rebuke. I began sobbing and He kept repeating it, "He's with Me. He's with Me." Until a peace came upon me. Now this peace has come upon me throughout this past year, and I've even blogged about a few of those times, yet, I end up in doubt when fear grips me. The thought of any other ending is literally unbearable. I doubt because I begin thinking just that: "You're seeing things so that you can comfort yourself."

This time, however, God also showed me that short of appearing before me, in the flesh, and speaking it to my face, with Dad standing next to Him, He could not assure me any more than He already has. In fact, I had to laugh because I think it was God who also gave me the thought that if the afore mentioned scene actually did happen, I would most likely come to the conclusion that I had lost my ever lovin' mind!

Doubt: Satan causes doubt. It's interesting because I Googled a Bible passage on doubt, and a Satanic website came up.. praising Satan because he's a doubter. Doubt, in the Satanist's mind is good, because it keeps you questioning and thinking. "Thinking People" doubt. Hmmm. This is what Jesus says about it: "For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord." I refuse to further let Satan toss me about, particularly when it comes to the knowledge of my Father's eternal salvation.

Fear: Again, from Satan. God, however, says, "Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.We love because he first loved us... God is Love."

I will continue to ache for the presence of my father, but I will remember, without out doubt and fear...

 "He's with Me. He's with Me. He's with Me..."

Happy Birthday Mom

Girl Fishing, John Singer Sargent
One of Mom's favorite artists

Mom is going to kill me for doing this, but I have to remember her birthday via my blog. I am forever at a loss when it comes to honoring, gifting... showing my gratitude toward my mother. There's no possible way I can do it, as this earthy body and brain are just not capable of it. I bought her a Christian music CD... another "fail". Even if it was a great one, would it have really shown her how I feel about her life? Not even close. At any rate, it's Mom's birthday today. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Dad's death. I don't believe she'll be able to enjoy today at all... or even a bit, but I'm going to try.

I wrote a poem for her several years back, for Mother's Day. I won't publish that poem, as it was written for her, and she may not want me to do that (writing this post is going to be pushing it). I have to say that this poem truly happened, not physically, but very much spiritually. Basically I was in prayer, asking the Lord what I should do with my life. I had, and continue to have, a heart for foreign missions... but I wanted to know what "career" I should choose. Now. I guess the poem really does say it better, but the Lord began to show me my mother. He showed me how she had impacted so many lives... quietly, humbly. He showed me that, becoming a doctor, a lawyer... a famous artist, would not hold a candle to becoming a Godly woman like my Mom, the stay-at-home, wife and mother.

I thought of Proverbs 31 (and not the portion that talks about giving strong drink to the sick of heart =)) and how my Mom fit that mold so beautifully. At any rate, I have not become this woman, at least not as of now. My children will not rise up and call me blessed. Rather, given the chance, they most likely would rise up and call me nuts. Yes, I do get up while it's still night, but usually because of a hot flash, not to prepare food for my family. I do not consider a field for purchasing and planting crops. I do, however, consider a dress from Etsy.com, and purchase it for Christmas... for me. In short, I have not become my Mom yet. I do hope to at least come close before I leave this planet.

Happy birthday Mom.

The Wife of Noble Character (Proverbs 31:10-31)

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Excuses, Birthdays and a Bird.

Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.

Nicolas de Chamfort

Well, I'm in a pickle Francis. I have tried to keep the blog positive... I believe I can still do that, however, I'm just not what one would call "chipper"... even after my "hernia surgery." I want to blog, but I've had a rough month and I want to compla... err, talk about it. What to do?

Did I ever tell you how, when trying to think of names for the twins, Adam piped in with "What about Morbid and Morose?" Everyone laughed hard and long... too hard, and too long. At any rate, I have to keep it real, right? So my excuse for not blogging is, in short, I've been miserable, and haven't.  How's that?

In the mean time, I will continue to count my blessings. I will try and pry my eyes off of my navel to get me out of my funk. While I'm doing that, here are some of my blessings. Our amazing Sam has turned 10 yrs old. Double digits. Today, our sweet niece Reagan turned 11. Celebrated both birthdays here on Saturday (Sam's actual b-day).


Yes I made the cake, but it tasted like it looks like it would taste... yucky.

Finally, I love my bird. Some people (eh hem) may not feel as I do, but she makes me very, very, very... not miserable. She has taken to Santino and here are some adorable pics of Stella hanging out with Santino.

*I seem to have misplaced the video camera. When I find it, I'll share some new stuff.