More guilt?

For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself

So I was watching Fox and Friends this morning and they did a little report on how new research shows a link between autism and exposure in utero to cosmetics and hair products.  I thought "Makes sense, I did hair (and make-up) full time all the way through my pregnancy with Sam. He 'got it the worst' ". Then there's Johnny who has the diagnoses that falls right on the cusp of "normal" and PDD/NOS. I did hair during the first trimester with him. Paolo is "normal" (if you believe that there is such a thing as normal...) and I didn't work at all during my pregnancy with him. Not only was I doing hair and make-up 10-12 hrs per day, five days per wk when pregnant with Sam, but back then I wore so much make-up ON myself, that I looked like a circus freak (now I look like a circus freak because I'm shaped like an amoeba with arms). 

At first I felt some more guilt (love to wallow in it), but then I came to the realization that feeling guilt over something I was completely unaware of, and is not sinful in and of itself, is rediculous... particularly when there's enough blatant sin in my life that I can change, and still have not... for whatever excuse I may try and reason with. 

The peculiar human thing is, had someone told me back in my successful hairstylist hay-day, that what I was doing would without a doubt cause my children to suffer, I would have quit. Yet, the Lord tells me that all of this sin I cling to, will cause my children and others that I love to suffer, and I cling to it??

I came away thinking that perhaps one of the reasons I hold on to the guilt of things like the possibility of my inflicting autism on my children (whether it be through vaccinations or cosmetics), is because deep down I realize that I'm not responsible for those actions... I couldn't have known. Focusing on a false guilt keeps me from looking at the things in my life that are truly hurting my children and loved ones, thereby shielding me from that guilt... the guilt that leads me to repentance and healing. 

 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

May I live like I'm His. Forgive me Lord for not.