It's Over?

Monday marked one year since Dad left us. In a weird way it was ... anticlimactic? I don't know if that's the word to describe it... It's as if I expected some big "thing" to happen. A feeling of relief and accomplishement... or something... a "Whew! Glad that's over!!" kind of ...thing?  I can't put it into words (surprise surprise). Instead of feeling as though I've "gotten through" that first year, it feels as if the pain has worsened, and I'm facing this next year which is going to be much worse than the first. Perhaps it wasn't as bad as it is now because I was in a daze last year during the holidays. I was putting up the tree this week and wondering how I even did it last year. I can't remember putting up the tree last year... at all.  I had not lived, at that point, an entire year without the salt and color Dad brought to every holiday and birthday... and weekend... to our every day lives.

On Monday morning, I woke up at 5:30, on my own, no alarm. 5:30 a.m  was the time I awoke the morning Dad died. I thanked the Lord for waking me up then, as if to say "Time to remember Andrea. It's here."  

All throughout the night before, I remembered his last evening. I so very much cherish that time I had with Dad. I had the privilege of being with him for his last evening here on Earth. Just the two of us.We talked a lot. Thank you God!! I remember everything he said. He was cracking jokes as usual, and had some sobering words for me as well. He fell asleep after a few hours, and I prayed that the Lord would wake me every ten minutes so I could press the button for his boost of pain medication. God granted me my request. For four hours, He woke me, every ten minutes on the dot. I'm still so grateful to Him for that. At 5:30 Jimmy came in and that's pretty much when the wheels fell off, and those horrific last hours began.

After putting on a pot of coffee Monday morning, I looked outside to see the white snow covering everything. Immediately I thought of how last year Sam told me that God had allowed all of that snow to come, and keep coming, to make me know that Pappy's sins were washed as white as snow.  I struggled then, as I have struggled periodically throughout this past year, with resting in the knowledge that Dad is really in Heaven. When I saw the snow this past Monday, and recalled Sam's words, the Lord spoke to my heart in such a way that it was almost audible, "I've told you a hundred different ways that he's with Me. He's with Me." It was a soft word, not one of rebuke. I began sobbing and He kept repeating it, "He's with Me. He's with Me." Until a peace came upon me. Now this peace has come upon me throughout this past year, and I've even blogged about a few of those times, yet, I end up in doubt when fear grips me. The thought of any other ending is literally unbearable. I doubt because I begin thinking just that: "You're seeing things so that you can comfort yourself."

This time, however, God also showed me that short of appearing before me, in the flesh, and speaking it to my face, with Dad standing next to Him, He could not assure me any more than He already has. In fact, I had to laugh because I think it was God who also gave me the thought that if the afore mentioned scene actually did happen, I would most likely come to the conclusion that I had lost my ever lovin' mind!

Doubt: Satan causes doubt. It's interesting because I Googled a Bible passage on doubt, and a Satanic website came up.. praising Satan because he's a doubter. Doubt, in the Satanist's mind is good, because it keeps you questioning and thinking. "Thinking People" doubt. Hmmm. This is what Jesus says about it: "For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord." I refuse to further let Satan toss me about, particularly when it comes to the knowledge of my Father's eternal salvation.

Fear: Again, from Satan. God, however, says, "Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.We love because he first loved us... God is Love."

I will continue to ache for the presence of my father, but I will remember, without out doubt and fear...

 "He's with Me. He's with Me. He's with Me..."