On With It

Sitting down to brood over our sorrows, the darkness deepens about us and creeps into our heart, and our strength changes to weakness. But, if we turn away from the gloom, and take up the tasks and duties to which God calls us, the light will come again, and we shall grow stronger.
 ~ J.R. Miller

NEIMP BLESSINGS

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

[And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]

....Do not be discouraged, God is over all...

Johnny is our Math Boy... loves anything that has to do with numbers... counts everything, measures everything. When he asked me what the highest number was, I thought of the national deficit and then replied "There isn't a highest number Johnny, it's infinity." I don't know if it's Johnny's finite mind, and the fact that he has to number everything, or if what he said happened, truly happened.  A few days after my defining infinity (with my all too finite vocabulary) he came to me and said that God had told him that there was a highest number, and it's name is "Neimp".  He never wavered from this name when I would question him, and now it has, in our home,  replaced the proverbial children's use of "Infinity"... You know, "I have a thousand cars." "Well I have a million cars." "Well, I have infinity!" ... and everyone has to shut up.

We have tried to explain to the boys that we (and God) are the only people privy to neimp and that if they use it outside of the house, no one will know what they are saying. None-the Less, they continue to use it... almost all day long.  "He hit me neimp times." "You made neimp PB&J sandwiches."

In my head (and only in my head...at least for now) I'm using it. "Wow, there's like neimp snow." " I have neimp things to do." As I was thinking of God's infinite blessings, and trying to count them, I thought of neimp... I know I'll never reach the number neimp (if nothing else b/c it may not even exist), so trying to count my blessings and reaching neimp is kind of fun.

There's no better sleep that follows one of two things; falling asleep while praying, or falling asleep while counting neimp blessings... one of which, for me is Johnny Phillips.

This is why I also like Bing's version:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

And I fall asleep counting my blessings

When my bankroll is getting small

I think of when I had none at all

And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads

And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds

If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

More guilt?

For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself

So I was watching Fox and Friends this morning and they did a little report on how new research shows a link between autism and exposure in utero to cosmetics and hair products.  I thought "Makes sense, I did hair (and make-up) full time all the way through my pregnancy with Sam. He 'got it the worst' ". Then there's Johnny who has the diagnoses that falls right on the cusp of "normal" and PDD/NOS. I did hair during the first trimester with him. Paolo is "normal" (if you believe that there is such a thing as normal...) and I didn't work at all during my pregnancy with him. Not only was I doing hair and make-up 10-12 hrs per day, five days per wk when pregnant with Sam, but back then I wore so much make-up ON myself, that I looked like a circus freak (now I look like a circus freak because I'm shaped like an amoeba with arms). 

At first I felt some more guilt (love to wallow in it), but then I came to the realization that feeling guilt over something I was completely unaware of, and is not sinful in and of itself, is rediculous... particularly when there's enough blatant sin in my life that I can change, and still have not... for whatever excuse I may try and reason with. 

The peculiar human thing is, had someone told me back in my successful hairstylist hay-day, that what I was doing would without a doubt cause my children to suffer, I would have quit. Yet, the Lord tells me that all of this sin I cling to, will cause my children and others that I love to suffer, and I cling to it??

I came away thinking that perhaps one of the reasons I hold on to the guilt of things like the possibility of my inflicting autism on my children (whether it be through vaccinations or cosmetics), is because deep down I realize that I'm not responsible for those actions... I couldn't have known. Focusing on a false guilt keeps me from looking at the things in my life that are truly hurting my children and loved ones, thereby shielding me from that guilt... the guilt that leads me to repentance and healing. 

 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

May I live like I'm His. Forgive me Lord for not.

Scontare!!!

For ye received not the spirit of bondage again unto fear; but ye received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father

When I was a Little girl I used to "lull" myself to sleep by weeping. I would think of all of the people I knew with infirmities... Johnny Hastings who was so crippled from MS, he was wheelchair bound, yet he managed to pull himself up to stand (hanging on to the pew in front of him) and sing every blessed hymn our church sang on Sunday morning.  I would think of the little boy in Sunday school who had a stump instead of a forearm and hand...  I would beg, I mean BEG God to give me all of the hurt these people (and animals!) felt... to take it away from them and give it all to me.

Over the years the amount of suffering I would see was almost debilitating for me. I remember the guilt I felt when we left the streets of Yemen to return to the States. Wee children, freezing cold, no shoes, no coats, carrying loads bigger than they were trying to sell whatever it was they had that day.  I witnessed there deformities of the human body that I didn't know were physically possible. I felt guilty because watching their suffering was too much for me, I couldn't wait to get away from it. Lord, I'm so sorry... how will I ever come here to teach them about You when I can't stand to look at them for more than a couple of weeks?

THEN I watched my Dad go through what he did, it was truly my worst fears realized. I can't imagine suffering made more real. I was such a mess over it that my sister and brother asked me to leave the house for a while... My Dad. Frequently, throughout Dad's stay in the hospital I would hear him say "Scahta!! Scahta!!" What he was saying was his Southern Italian version of the Italian word "Scontare" meaning to suffer for one's sins. Usually it is used as a sword of sorts. When someone who is not a very nice person, or has done something not very nice, no help or mercy or grace is shown when they are hurting. Rather they look at the person and say "Scahta!!" Dad was telling himself to suffer for his sins. Even though Christ had suffered and died for those sins so long ago.

Truly, none of us has suffered as Christ. This does not negate the fact that, literally everywhere I look, my brothers and sisters, and the ones who do not even have the hope of Jesus, are suffering. 

I look at the family from church who lost their son....leaving their beautiful grandchildren fatherless. The family from church who lost their beautiful eight and a half month baby niece. How does one "move on" from these things? The thousands that lost their lives in Haiti. Those who are left behind still suffering.  The young mother in Kenya who upon finding out that she was HIV positive, begged my friend to take her baby boy so he could have a fighting chance in life.

Somewhere along the line, maybe early in my teens, I realized that the Lord would not give me these infirmities, and shield others from them... they are a part of life. A life that has been cursed by sin... all of which the Lord Jesus Himself had already bore upon Calvary's Tree. I then begged the Lord to shield me from watching it...the suffering. Obviously this is not what He had in mind for me either. 

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us-ward... He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not also with him freely give us all things?...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or anguish, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...

One day the Lord Jesus Himself will wipe away all of my tears with His nail pierced hands. I pray that until that time, He would use my hands to wipe away the tears of those burdened with this life cursed by sin. I pray that I would reveal His love for them in tangible ways. I pray that I would not try and protect myself by turning away and pretending it isn't going on all around me. The Lord obviously... so very obviously wants me to see the suffering... He wants me to go further and be there as His hands, His feet... He who said "Not My will but Thine" when it was time for Him to suffer death on the Cross.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Whew!

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

On the morning of my surgery Adam got the call from Mom saying that the surgery was more than successful, it was "Beautiful", according to the Dr... At that point Adam said that he just looked at his imaginary watch, figuring that it was only a matter of time before he got a second call saying that somehow things went awry.

I have not found, and I suppose Adam has not found, the line between pessimism and realism. I do, always, hope for the best... but expect the worst. Now some may argue that the reason for my being living proof of Murphy's Law (If something bad can happen, it will) is precisely because I expect the worst. I would argue that I'm just being wise in preparing myself.

I did not go into surgery glum and morose thinking, "Why are you smiling Dr. Brown? In several hours we'll be back in here so you can do exploratory surgery to find out what caused me to bleed profusely enough to send me into congestive heart failure. You'll be giving me several units of blood and EKG's.. and x-rays of my lungs... you'll be telling me that I need to see a hematologist because "It's just not normal for this to happen three times.. when everything looked so normal to begin with." Then you'll have to prescribe antibiotics for the UTI I'll get... and the nausea and headache meds you'll prescribe at my discharge from the hospital? My family (including Mom) will desperately want those b/c they're still dealing with the stomach flu I had before coming in here today... for my surgery."

No, in fact, I was kind of hoping that I'd get some writing done and be able to take advantage of the couple/few days in the hospital. I also hoped that I would recover much faster than I did with c-section... At the same time, I was prepared for the complications of the last few surgeries/deliveries... and sure enough, my preparation was not in vain. I could have used a little more more prep, in fact, but all's well that ends well... right?

Alas! I'm home now, on the mend, all horror-moned up, and *hoping* for the swift thawing of the 21" of snow that's covering our city... leading us into a magnificent spring filled with the celebration of the beauty of God's creation and the life He has gifted us with here on Earth.

Thank you all for your prayers and meals and sweet comfort gifts... we're a blessed bunch of nuts, us Phillips-es! Much to catch up on here, but hope to post soon.  Peace and Blessings.

"hernia" surgery

Adam's Uncle Mark told me that when his mother had to be hospitalized for a hysterectomy, he and his siblings were told that she was having surgery to remove a hernia... apparently discussing such personal "woman things" was not only taboo, it would most assuredly damage the psyche of young children...  permanently.

With Uncle Mark's anecdote in mind, I'm having "hernia surgery" tomorrow... It is important to note that my hernia surgery will involve an instantaneous thrust into "The Change"... one might say that Adam will need some prayer... along with the rest of of my family and anyone within a 10 mile radius of me... Andrea in The Change (insert extremely loud thunder and lightning).


I will be off of the computer for some time as the recovery is a long one.  In the mean time, a couple of things: First, I told some of you via email that I would have a post about Fred Bissert's book, A FRESH LOOK AT FOUR END-TIME PROPHECIES. I also told you about another book that Fred wrote during his time in WW2. Seeing as I have been cleaning up after 5 children with stomach viruses, amplified today (of course!), I do not have time to write a post about these books that will do them justice. I will do this when I am feeling up to it, however, please feel free to click on the title to order Fred's published work. Fred also gave me several copies of his "Little War Book" for me to distribute free of charge to anyone who would be interested in having one. This is a wonderful little book, so if you'd like to have one, email me here with your mailing address and I'll get it to you ASAP. 

Second, please pray for my kiddos and Adam that they will heal from the above mentioned virus, and that Adam will not only be up to the task, but that he'll be encouraged and feeling great during this time when I'm in the hospital. Thank you! Peace and Blessings, ~ Andrea

My Blanky, the Snow and Sam's Wisdom

My Blanky

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?


Recently a kindred spirit emailed me the following:  "...On top of what you already have going on, plus two babies, i think I'd have an emotional breakdown and check myself into the hospital so i could escape it all!!" My Friend shall remain nameless lest she find the need to use her thoughts as a means of escape from her own troubles... one day.  I hope you're laughing right now... but not too hard... Truth be told, a light bulb flickered when I read that... "Hmmm".

I am not handling life well at the moment. Things seem to be falling apart at the seems, and let's face it, I'm about as much of a "go-getter" as Eeyore (depressed, melancholic, pessimistic, stuffed donkey from Winnie the Pooh).

I've lost a lot of loved ones... mourned their absence... but I've never felt the utter void I have now that Dad is gone. To make matters worse, most of the people who are closest to me are feeling the same hurt and void...

I'm behind on everything from bills to schooling... did I mention the full hysterectomy I have scheduled in 14 days? I do want to check out of the world for a while... I have already checked out in every way other than the physical.

But then there's my blanky. I dubbed it this because I pretty much take it everywhere with me (or on me...whatever the case may be). I've had this little friend of mine for at least 15 yrs. It's a size 1X slip.  I wear it under things, over things...both.  Anyone who has seen me anywhere out in public, has seen this thing on me in some way shape or form. I get at least one flattering compliment on it every time I wear it. I've been a million different sizes since purchasing it, and it always looks the same.... it's so nice to me.... and forgiving. It seems that every time I think "I have NOTHING to wear!" the Lord will smile and hand me my blanky. Even when I do have a couple of bucks to buy something new, I end up wearing my blanky.  I was smiling the other day thinking of how my Father in Heaven tells me not to worry about the things of this world...what I'm going to wear... and how He gave me a blanky.

***

Most of the country is covered in snow at the moment... we've seen our share of it here in the Burgh, yet it's never quite as beautiful here as it is in places where the sun isn't behind clouds 300 days per yr (that's an actual statistic, not an exageration...ho-hum). However, the other night I was out on my porch looking at the snow... it looked so beautiful... like a Rudolf Christmas special.... Zillions of sparling gems glistening... not quite clair de lune (it too was behind the clouds), but the light from my porch was a nice fill in.  It was one of those beautiful moments where your senses are overloaded with God's creation... the magnificent detail... His glory shown in ALL creation.

Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise

Feeling bewildered yet again today, I was sitting at the dining room table when Sam came over "out of the blue" as he always does, and says "I love the snow that God created mom.  Don't you?"  99% of Sam's questions are rhetorical... he went on, "I think God is giving us all of this snow to let you know that He has washed Pappy white as snow... I think He keeps making it snow so that you know that everything is new and clean..." At that point he saw "The Look" on me and bowed his head in Sam fasion... smiling, in Sam Fashion. He knows when he's said something that Mommy thinks is profound... his humble little self gets all embarrassed.

Now I realize that God has not dumped snow on our city and the rest of the US solely to teach me, through my dear son, that He cares deeply for me. Yet, I know that I know that I know, in His infinite power and wisdom... and love, I was part of this plan. After Sam said this to me, I realized that the first day we had had any sign of "Winter weather a comin'." was when we had that ice storm on the day my Dad died. The first time it snowed was the night of his funeral. The first day it stopped, was yesterday.

Our Yard the day after Dad's funeral

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...

And he that sitteth on the throne said, Behold, I make all things new.

Every litlle thing is gonna be alright. Amen.